The Chronicle of Late Night Doubts

Dear non-existent reader,

It's about three thirty A. M. and I am not, unfortunately, sleep-typing, but completely awake. This is going to be one of those posts I hope I can look back on, one or two or five years from now, and laugh (either because I've proved myself wrong, or because I've proven myself right and gotten over it).

Lately, I've been wondering why I wrote Accidents. Which is really a stupid question - I wrote it because I realised that my last series, Colorblind, was a horrible dead-end idea, and I needed something new I could throw myself into with everything I'd learned up to that point. I'm not exactly sure when this was anymore - maybe summer/fall '07? I'm not saying I regret writing Accidents or Colorblind, because I learned alot from practical application that I couldn't learn in English class. I discovered my areas of fault, learned to be my own editor, developed the desire to be original, to be great, because I hated looking at what I'd written and not being able to say, "I love this. This is amazing. This is my best work yet, and even when I've become a better writer, I will not be able to make this any better. This is perfect." It's kind of the unattainable dream, right? I know that nothing I write will ever be perfect, but that has to be my goal, or there's nothing to shoot for. I don't want to just be as good as anyone else.

I know that some of my best writing so far has gone into Accidents. I don't think it's a bad book, or a bad concept, or that it wasn't worth my time. And I still think it's a good book to enter the market with. But the more I think about it, the more I feel like, why am I doing this? What connection do I feel to these characters? What am I trying to say?

Truthfully, I say a lot of things in the novel - little tidbits of myself, tucked in here and there - but in the grand scheme of things, the theme of Accidents is overcoming all the cr*p that life throws at you. It's something I care about, obviously, but I don't know if it'll really speak to other people in that way, because my MC has a rough time with that - the overcoming. It's not so much how a person should do it, but how my MC does do it, which isn't a perfect or healthy method at all. Maybe it'll be a warning to people. Maybe, if I get a chance to see the series to it's end, it'll give people a little hope that the passage of time really is a good healer. I just don't know.

People who've read it, or part of it, say things about the characters, the writing, the plot, but I haven't heard any thoughts on the theme. I'm worried that I've written a book that will not stay with you. But now that it's done, really the only thing I can do is keep moving forward with everything I do from now on.

I am always learning. It's a little painful.

Sincerely,

Shadows

The First Five

Okay, last post was kind of a downer. So this one's going to be more fun. I've finally picked the first five agents I'm going to query! (Well, the first four - one is a publisher.) I have a bunch lined up to research for round two, as well.

I'm really interested in all four of these agents (and the publisher), so I'm praying they'll be as interested in me! They all do YA and fantasy, I checked, because otherwise I'd end up looking like a total n00b sending an urban fantasy to someone who only does historical drama, or a YA fiction to someone who only does self-help books. And that would be embarrassing.

I found out recently that the agent I had been really into before, a junior agent with Writers House, was no longer working, and I was totally disappointed. But researching all the other options out there, and seeing how good they were, got me excited again. I know that most people don't get their first choice of agents, and send out a lot of queries, but now that my first choice is no longer an option, it's kind of like, "Okay, I didn't get to work with her, and I may not get to work with these people either, but at least once I send out queries it'll be doing something. And then, if I keep sending, and keep writing and editing and getting better, with a little luck, I'll get to work with someone awesome in the end." There isn't exactly a shortage of amazing agents - anyone who takes on a job like that for the love of the industry is already pretty amazing in my book. So I have hope! Haha.

Discouraging

Stephenie Meyer, look what you did. *sigh*

Okay, so the world isn't lacking in open, interested YA lit writing agents, but it gets a little annoying when I keep seeing things like, "Please no vampires, give me something new." Because, really, I think my book is something new. It has Kappa in it, for heaven's sake. But I know that a premise of "and the main character is a vampire" will put these people off their appetites faster than if I were writing about cannibals. (Not that there's much of a difference.) It's times like these when I think about dropping Accidents, writing out one of my non-fantasy manuscript ideas, and using that as my first novel instead. But I don't want to do that, because I think Accidents is a good first novel to go into the market with. It's got commercial appeal, but it's a little edgier than some of the other YA lit that's out now, and it's a series, the only one I have planned, and I want to lead with something strong, but not too strong. And I think, out of my current novel ideas, it's the one with the most shelf appeal, meaning that people might actually look at it/buy it even though I'm a new author and no one's heard of my before. It's just annoying that my best leading novel has to have vampires, and that vampires are so popular/unpopular now, when very few of my other ideas have any fantasy in them at all.

That was a rant. Sorry for anyone who actually read through that. I feel better now.

Little Piece...

I thought it might be fun to post a little, teeny piece of the book I'm currently editting, Accidents: Densetsu. This is the first book in the Accidents series, and this scene was added pretty recently to the second chapter of the book. It's just a fun transitional scene, really, but I think it's important because it brings up some themes that might be important in later books and it highlights Art's macabre/playful side. You can read the rest of the chapter on my webook account.

Artemis

I wandered down the south hall, letting my fingers brush along the lockers. The school had decent heating, but the lockers still felt like metal ice. Only one teacher asked where I was going. “Mrs. Lamb wanted me to get another roll of paper towels.” It was a good lie; all the teachers knew that the art teacher was notoriously messy, and that she almost never gave hall passes. The guy straightened his glasses and told me to get a move on. He watched me go, though, so I had to take the wrong hall to the supply closet until he’d walked away. I turned back and skulked to the Biology lab.
No one was using the lab, so I slipped in and went looking for Yorik. That’s what Tabor had named the human skull model that no one ever used. I sat on the edge of a desk, more or less out of view of the windows into the hall, and talked at Yorik, because I was just that desperate. “What’s it like to be dead?” I asked him seriously, running my thumbs over his teeth. “Is it interesting? Or is it nothing?” I worked his jaw for him. Tabor sometimes tried to convince people, usually our Biology teacher, that he talked to her. He’d never talked to me unless I helped him. “I don’t know anyone who believes in Heaven. If it existed, it’d probably suck. I don’t want to just... keep going... forever.” I sighed and let myself flop back on the table, holding Yorik up the way Hamlet did in illustrations. “I’m close enough as it is.”
Yorik chattered reassuringly at me, and I patted his skull plates and put him back on his shelf. The bell rang as I started back to the art room. By the time I got there, all of the students were long gone, leaving the teacher to clean up and put away everyone’s supplies. She didn’t look up. I grabbed my canvas bag and left without saying a word.

Shameless Plug

Okay, so I just found out that they've released a new edition of "Sunshine" (my favorite book ever) for YA instead of adult. I hope this means I can finally suggest it to more people. XDD I have to get my hands on a copy first, to see what - if anything - they've actually changed in the book. If "the infamous not-a-sex-scene sex scene" is gone, then I'm totally forcing the book on my language teacher. My class would be a better set of people if we read this book, as much as the guys would probably hate me for it. XD I'll be kind of sad if they took it out, even so... It's totally TMI for me, but I think it's more important to the relationship of Those Involved than I previously realized. But with it in the book, I know I won't get it past the administration as a reading book. And we really need some that are more current, in my opinion.

Anyway, if you happen to be reading this rambling shame of a blog and haven't read "Sunshine" by Robin McKinley, I highly suggest you remedy either one or the other of those conditions immediately. If you're under sixteen, please go for the one in the YA section with the golden cover. If you're over sixteen, the red cover or the building cover will be just fine.

Uh-hem. So, my creative writing course is coming to an end. The last class is Wednesday, and then the following Tuesday there's an exam. It's really been helpful - I wasn't sure if it would be, but it was. A lot of good practice. Very encouraging. Hopefully I'll get the chance to do it again next year. The moral of this story is: Don't knock it 'til you try it.

P.S. I'm in the last few pages of Anne Rice's "Interview"... That book scared the **** out of me. XDDD But I liked it. I kind of hope that, someday, I can write like her. Just trying to figure out how she came up with some of that stuff.... The mind boggles.

Insert one long, satisfying scream

That's what editting feels like. All of the annoyance and pain you went through writing in the first paste, doubled over with the neccesity to nit-pick, escaping in a drawn-out burst of energy, praying you'll get it all done before your breath runs out. And then, in the silence, the sense of accomplishment is renewed, and you can look at your (hopefully) improved work with pride.

Okay, so I'm not done editting yet. It takes a long time to edit 70,000 words. But I'm plugging away at it, getting it done so I can start looking for some outside feedback and then - finally - sending it out to agencies. My English teacher is reading it as I edit, but he's so busy that he doesn't mind how long it's taking. =P I recently finished reading his book, which he is also editting, so we've had some interesting literary convos. Take my advice, if you're a young writer: don't just talk to other young writers. Find some older, more experienced, perhaps even published authors to talk to. It shouldn't be that hard; between two of my aunts, I could get connected with dozens of published writers. Ask you relatives or teachers or even librarians if there are any local authors you could contact with writing questions. Even if it's not extremely helpful, it's a good connection, and it gives you experience in "talking shop" with other writers.

Anyhow, while the editting scene is interesting only to me, the artsy side of my life is a little less dry. I've found this cool little shop - Feels Like Ohm (yay, puns) - that sells local art, among other things, in my town. I've talked to the owner and I'm planning on bringing in some stuff for her to look at soon. Hah, if my stuff sells well, maybe I can draw instead of work this summer.

I love this blog. It's so much fun to talk to myself. <3

How Exciting

So, I need to come up with a new series title. Why?

"On June 2, 2009 Del Toro released his debut novel, The Strain, which he co-authored with Chuck Hogan. It will be the first part of a vampire trilogy."

Sigh. So, a few days ago, to kickstart the renaming, I read the dictionary. I got as far as "air", I think. Yeah, the glamorous life of an aspiring author.

For anyone crazy enough to care, here are my notes from dictionary-reading:

Animals/Plants/Monsters I could use: Aardvark, Aardwolf, Abyssinian cat, Afreet, African violets, Africander, Addax

Cool Words: Abase, Abininitio, Abysmal, Acerose, Achromatic, Acme (the definition is funny), Acrid, Aerate, Agoraphobia, Ague

And, Possible Titles: Abide, Accident

All that for two choices. XDD I kind of like Abide, nice and simple. With Accident, I was thinking about Aristotle's philosophy of accidents/essence: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Accident_(philosophy) Although I like how the concept coincides with the characters, the big problem is that very few people would think of that when seeing the title. XD

If anyone randomly stumbling across this sad excuse for a blog has any title suggestions, they would be much appreciated.

P. S. - Remember, remember, the 5th of November...