The Chronicle of Late Night Doubts

Dear non-existent reader,

It's about three thirty A. M. and I am not, unfortunately, sleep-typing, but completely awake. This is going to be one of those posts I hope I can look back on, one or two or five years from now, and laugh (either because I've proved myself wrong, or because I've proven myself right and gotten over it).

Lately, I've been wondering why I wrote Accidents. Which is really a stupid question - I wrote it because I realised that my last series, Colorblind, was a horrible dead-end idea, and I needed something new I could throw myself into with everything I'd learned up to that point. I'm not exactly sure when this was anymore - maybe summer/fall '07? I'm not saying I regret writing Accidents or Colorblind, because I learned alot from practical application that I couldn't learn in English class. I discovered my areas of fault, learned to be my own editor, developed the desire to be original, to be great, because I hated looking at what I'd written and not being able to say, "I love this. This is amazing. This is my best work yet, and even when I've become a better writer, I will not be able to make this any better. This is perfect." It's kind of the unattainable dream, right? I know that nothing I write will ever be perfect, but that has to be my goal, or there's nothing to shoot for. I don't want to just be as good as anyone else.

I know that some of my best writing so far has gone into Accidents. I don't think it's a bad book, or a bad concept, or that it wasn't worth my time. And I still think it's a good book to enter the market with. But the more I think about it, the more I feel like, why am I doing this? What connection do I feel to these characters? What am I trying to say?

Truthfully, I say a lot of things in the novel - little tidbits of myself, tucked in here and there - but in the grand scheme of things, the theme of Accidents is overcoming all the cr*p that life throws at you. It's something I care about, obviously, but I don't know if it'll really speak to other people in that way, because my MC has a rough time with that - the overcoming. It's not so much how a person should do it, but how my MC does do it, which isn't a perfect or healthy method at all. Maybe it'll be a warning to people. Maybe, if I get a chance to see the series to it's end, it'll give people a little hope that the passage of time really is a good healer. I just don't know.

People who've read it, or part of it, say things about the characters, the writing, the plot, but I haven't heard any thoughts on the theme. I'm worried that I've written a book that will not stay with you. But now that it's done, really the only thing I can do is keep moving forward with everything I do from now on.

I am always learning. It's a little painful.

Sincerely,

Shadows